50 Shades of Reality.

Recently I did something really silly .I bought to into the hype surrounding something .A book and I think you will gather what one . 


50 Shades of grey. 


Obviously I knew it was a so called erotic novel .I am not a prude so this did not worry me but I wasn't prepared for how utterly farcical the book would be in it's depictions of sex , particularly first time sex . Firstly It takes over a hundred pages before there is any sex at all which I guess is used to create tension of the sexual kind ( It doesn't ). The first hundred pages are spent with Ana our naive heroine apparently ever so  erotically biting her lip a lot and getting unusual "feelings " in her nether regions. I have issues with Ana , she is practically Austen in her utter naivety to the world and sex . This girl is meant to be a 21st century college student ? but she has never a " feeling " down " there ? Do me a favour. Perhaps is it just me inhabiting a world were girls like her simply don't exist that her found so utterly unbelievable. Aside from lacking in any plot ,it simply doesn't flow very well and even from someone with no literary background it was just appallingly written . 


After you have struggled through several chapters of not a lot aside from scenes with Ana and her pointless " tenacious " ( E.L James please find use your thesaurus to find a new adjective ) room mate Katherine who I saw no need for at all other than filler and a rather tenuous meeting with Mr grey .We finally hit the first sex scene and when we find out that ( as if we hadn't gathered already) that young miss Steele is a Virgin .Intact .Sealed .This happens shortly after she is introduced to the sex room called the " red room of pain ". As you do .What do you mean your virginity taker didn't have a sex dungeon ? Your so past it. 


Unsurprisingly this doesn't put Ana off the beautiful Mr Grey and we precede to what can only be described as the most unrealistic lose of virginity in the history of literature ,film or the world itself .I would like to appeal to anyone who as ever remotely had a first time like this one . Now I know it's fiction and the limits can be stretched ALOT, particularly as we know this is an erotic novel but really? I can only describe it as just silly . Silly nonsense The scene waffles on page after after page of flowery language in ,which Ana becomes the most receptive women to ever have sex . He touches her nipple she explodes in ecstasy ,he kisses her foot she is melting on the floor in a pool of hormones. She does more "shattering into a million pieces " than humpty dumpty.


Here I will translate a few passages into real life .


" He hovers over .I am squirming with need " / " He hang overs me ,I worried he will stick in without warning " 

"He Thrusts his finger inside me ,and I cry out .I groan " /While he fumbles in my nether regions he comes clear he needs to cut this fingernails .I groan IN PAIN.


"He kneels and pulls a condom onto this considerable length .oh no will it? how? " Is that it? 


"Oh I want this ..again " is it over yet? please stop your hurting me now .I've done it.


Then she as an orgasm from him banging away at her like a hammer and then she gives a rather expert blow job ,deep throat too of course . If first times were anything like this book then I think may of us would be married to the people we first had sexytime with not trying to hide down the bread aisle in Asda when we see them a decade down the line. As for Mr Grey himself our Handsome male lead , rather than falling in love with this literary stallion I couldn't get past his coldness and saw nothing redeeming in the character.


Then again I'm not a sadomasochist.


Perhaps my lack of previous with " erotic " novels meant I wasn't prepared for this book or it really is as bad as I think.